{"id":32309,"date":"2021-02-25T14:59:00","date_gmt":"2021-02-25T14:59:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/potentialplusuk.org\/?p=32309"},"modified":"2022-08-15T15:12:25","modified_gmt":"2022-08-15T14:12:25","slug":"living-with-teenagers-by-joy-morgan","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/potentialplusuk.org\/index.php\/2021\/02\/25\/living-with-teenagers-by-joy-morgan\/","title":{"rendered":"Living with Teenagers by Joy Morgan"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wpb-content-wrapper\"><p>[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Teenagers often get a bad press, yet we were all teenagers once.\u00a0 How many of us can honestly say that we were delightful to our parents, unfailingly polite and appreciative, readily complying with all their demands and timescales, keeping our rooms tidy and thanking them for their undying love, support, lifts, supply of money, home cooking&#8230;?[\/vc_column_text][vc_single_image image=&#8221;32328&#8243; img_size=&#8221;full&#8221; alignment=&#8221;center&#8221; style=&#8221;vc_box_rounded&#8221; onclick=&#8221;link_image&#8221; css=&#8221;.vc_custom_1614258314020{padding-top: 20px !important;}&#8221;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]However, there is no doubt that the teenage years can be challenging for parents and it can be hard to consistently model the behaviours we want to promote, when our teenagers are doing what teenagers do \u2013 pushing the boundaries and working out who they are and how they fit into the world \u2013 but we are role models.\u00a0 Our teenagers will learn how to manage tricky situations and conflict from us so\u2026[\/vc_column_text][vc_single_image image=&#8221;32329&#8243; img_size=&#8221;full&#8221; alignment=&#8221;center&#8221; style=&#8221;vc_box_rounded&#8221; css=&#8221;.vc_custom_1614258253824{padding-top: 20px !important;}&#8221;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Add high learning potential to the mix and you will have your work cut out and your patience tested as your teenager negotiates and argues, looks for chinks in the armour or plays one parent off against the other.\u00a0 As a parent and secondary school teacher, I\u2019ve gathered some tips along the way and combined this with a Post-Graduate Diploma in Behaviour and Inclusion, so I hope there will be something here which helps you live in harmony with your teenager.\u00a0 Not everything will work for everyone or in every situation, so this is a toolkit to select from, try out and refine.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<\/p>\n<h3>A Starting Point<\/h3>\n<p>Take a moment, daily, to remember what is wonderful about your teenager.\u00a0 What do they do well?\u00a0 How have they shown exceptional kindness or thoughtfulness?\u00a0 How do they make you laugh?\u00a0 What skills or interests make you feel proud of them?<\/p>\n<p>A few years ago, as I was struggling with my own teenager (who has turned into a delightful, kind, thoughtful young woman), a friend said, \u201cShe\u2019s not the worst teenager\u201d, at which point I realised that, yes, I was exceptionally lucky to have a daughter who could be relied on to be lovely to everyone outside the home!\u00a0 It helped me gain perspective rather than feeling inadequate as a parent.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<\/p>\n<h3>The Teenage Brain<\/h3>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_single_image image=&#8221;32330&#8243; img_size=&#8221;full&#8221; alignment=&#8221;center&#8221; style=&#8221;vc_box_rounded&#8221; onclick=&#8221;link_image&#8221;][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]As the brain develops during the teenage years:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Sleep patterns shift<\/strong>: melatonin is produced later in the evening, making it harder to get to sleep and then we wake them up to go to school meaning they never get enough sleep!<\/li>\n<li><strong>Risk taking increases<\/strong>: see below<\/li>\n<li><strong>Peers:<\/strong> relationships and approval become far more important than previously<\/li>\n<li><strong>Lack of empathy<\/strong>: the part of the brain which allows us to empathise is not fully developed until after the teenage years<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Risk taking: the teenage brain is constantly developing and some areas mature faster than others.\u00a0 The areas associated with impulsivity, reward and motivation mature early.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_single_image image=&#8221;32338&#8243; img_size=&#8221;full&#8221; alignment=&#8221;center&#8221; style=&#8221;vc_box_rounded&#8221;][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_single_image image=&#8221;32344&#8243; img_size=&#8221;full&#8221; alignment=&#8221;center&#8221; style=&#8221;vc_box_rounded&#8221;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]The prefrontal cortex matures later. This part thinks about things logically, weighs the pros and cons and restrains impulses, making teens more prone to riskier and impulsive behaviours, and less likely to consider the consequences than adults.<\/p>\n<p>Studies have shown that teenagers know they are indulging in risky behaviour, e.g., drinking, but they think the benefits outweigh the risks.\u00a0 Teaching your teenager about the importance of keeping each other safe is better than warning them of the perils of drink!\u00a0 \u201cWe count on you and your friends to care for each other and keep each other\u2019s secrets but \u2026 if you are worried about their drinking\/eating, self-harming\/depression, tell us.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou did the right thing to tell us. This is really important.\u201d[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<\/p>\n<h3>Some Tried and Tested Tips<\/h3>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/6&#8243;][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;2\/3&#8243;][vc_single_image image=&#8221;32348&#8243; img_size=&#8221;full&#8221; alignment=&#8221;center&#8221; style=&#8221;vc_box_rounded&#8221; onclick=&#8221;link_image&#8221;][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/6&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>Separate your daughter from the behaviour<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Talk about her behaviour, not her as a person. This avoids labelling your daughter as \u201csilly\u201d, \u201cdangerous\u201d, \u201crude\u201d etc whilst allowing you to express displeasure with the behaviour. Love the person but dislike the behaviour.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong><em>For example<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cThat was a silly thing to do, it was dangerous\u201d (not \u201cDon\u2019t be so silly\u201d)<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cSpitting is unhygienic and unpleasant\u201d (not \u201cYou are disgusting\u201d)<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cSwearing is not acceptable\u201d (not \u201cYou are so rude\u201d)<br \/>\n<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>Use \u201cI\u201d language<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Talk about yourself. \u00a0This is far harder to argue with and does not apportion blame.\u00a0 The third example works well because you take the blame so it\u2019s less likely to result in a confrontation.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong><em>For example <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cI find it difficult to hear\/talk when the music is so loud\u201d (not \u201cYou are making me annoyed\u201d or \u201cYou are making it difficult for me to work\u201d)<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cI am disappointed that you did not do your homework\/feed the cat. Is there a reason?\u201d (not \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you do your homework\/etc?\u201d)<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t make it clear.\u00a0 I need an hour to work quietly now\u201d.<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>\u201cPlease\u201d and \u201cThank You\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>When asking your son to do something, use please and thank you.\u00a0 This works because it is a polite request. Using a command opens up opportunities for confrontation! \u00a0Ending a request with, \u201cThank you\u201d assumes it will be done \u2026<\/p>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong><em>For example<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cShoes off, thank you\u201d <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cPlease would you do me a favour and pick that up?\u00a0 Thanks.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>Assume she will do what you ask and allow \u2018take-up\u2019 time<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Make the request and take your attention off your daughter. Say what you want and walk away. It might take a minute or two for her to follow through.\u00a0 Again, it is less confrontational. In a while, check she has done it without making it obvious and ask again quietly if necessary.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong><em>For example<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>Say, \u201cWould you mind putting your plates in the dishwasher?\u00a0 Thanks.\u201d <\/em>[\/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space height=&#8221;70&#8243;][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>Catch him being good<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Sometimes, it is more effective to ignore poor behaviour and give praise for something he is doing well simultaneously. \u00a0Notice when they do behave well.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong><em>For example<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cI\u2019m impressed by the way you organised your desk. Could you get me your washing now please?\u201d\u201d <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cI liked the way you came down for dinner as soon as I called you. Sit down now, please\u201d.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cI noticed how you helped your sister with her French today, thanks\u201d.<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>Allow choices \u2026 <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2026or the illusion of choice!\u00a0 This will make your daughter feel more in control and often works wonders.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong><em>For example<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cDo you want to get your homework done now or would you like a snack first?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cWould you prefer to visit Gran on Saturday or Sunday?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cDo you want to tidy up first or shall I change the bed first?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>Say what you WANT, not what you don\u2019t want<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Evidence suggests that the more you tell a young person off for poor behaviour, the more she will repeat that behaviour.\u00a0 Focus on the desired behaviour.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong><em>For example<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cPlease come downstairs in a minute so we can talk properly\u201d (not, \u201cDon\u2019t shout down the stairs\u201d)<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Say, \u201cPlease hang the wet towels up to dry\u201d (not, \u201cDon\u2019t leave wet towels on the bathroom floor\u201d)<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>NEVER, EVER be drawn into acting like a teenager and NEVER be rude or sarcastic<\/strong>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<em>This allows you to say, \u201cI am treating you with respect and I expect you to treat me in the same way\u201d.<\/em>[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>Use the format, \u2018When you &#8230;, I felt \u2026\u00a0 I would prefer it if \u2026\u201d <\/strong>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong><em>For example<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>Say, \u201cWhen you arrive home over an hour later than we agreed last night, I felt so worried.\u00a0 I\u2019d prefer it if you called or texted, so I knew you were safe\u201d. <\/em>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][vc_column_text]<strong>Use the broken record technique <\/strong>[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]Say it and say it again and say it again.\u00a0 Say it in the same calm tone of voice and at the same volume[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<strong>Deal with the main issue and stick to it<\/strong>[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]Ignore secondary behaviours; if you are dealing with arriving home later than agreed, talk about that and resist bringing up other issues such as not getting work done, the mess in the bathroom, swearing \u2026[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<strong>Avoid threats<\/strong><strong> especially empty ones<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If you say it, you must carry it through or you will find the boundaries are pushed further and further.[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<strong>Avoid the triggers<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Work out when\/where the behaviour goes wrong and change the situation. If you notice that your teenager is grumpy before eating don\u2019t ask her to tidy her room before dinner![\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<\/p>\n<h4 style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"color: #666699;\">Remember \u2013 you are the adult and they are just doing what teenagers do!<\/span><\/h4>\n<p style=\"text-align: right;\"><em>Joy Morgan<br \/>\n<\/em><em>HLP Lead at Parliament Hill School <\/em><a href=\"mailto:joymorgan@parliamenthill.camden.sch.uk\"><em>joymorgan@parliamenthill.camden.sch.uk<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][vc_separator border_width=&#8221;2&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/6&#8243;][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;2\/3&#8243;][vc_single_image image=&#8221;32349&#8243; img_size=&#8221;full&#8221; alignment=&#8221;center&#8221; style=&#8221;vc_box_rounded&#8221; onclick=&#8221;link_image&#8221; title=&#8221;Book Recommendations&#8221;][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;1\/6&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element \">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.parliamenthill.camden.sch.uk\/docs\/Professional_Learning\/Joy-Morgan-Profile.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Joy Morgan<\/a> is the Assistant Headteacher and Specialist Leader of Education at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.parliamenthill.camden.sch.uk\/#\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Parliament Hill School<\/a>, London.\u00a0 Parliament Hill School received the Above and Beyond Awards <a href=\"https:\/\/potentialplusuk.org\/index.php\/above-and-beyond-awards\/effective-provision-in-school-award\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"> Effective Provision in School Award<\/a> in 2019.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]<\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Teenagers often get a bad press, yet we were all teenagers once.\u00a0 How many of us can honestly say that we were delightful to our parents,   [&#8230;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1002852,"featured_media":32352,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"give_campaign_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[196,352],"tags":[363,237],"class_list":["post-32309","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-focus","category-hlp-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-teenagers"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.6 - 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